Nobody told me...(longest blog post ever)

Let me start by saying that I am writing this for myself, and eventually for my children when they become parents.  I am an open book, and I get myself into a lot of trouble for that sometimes.  My New Year's resolution is to listen more, shut my big mouth...and listen more.  There is power in silence.  Power because when you are silent, what you do say is more important.  So far, I'm not doing so good.  :-/  I'm trying though.

That was my preface because some of the things I'm going to journal here are very honest.  Things nobody told me I'd feel or experience in parenthood.

I look at this picture and I think how amazing it is that nobody in this world feels like I do about it.  Grandparents are a close second, but they also have the glory or rose colored glasses when it comes to grandchildren.  They've been there, done that and are now reaping the reward of all their hard work.  Love them and hand them back.  Still, nobody else in this world loves these two children like I do.  Even Neil loves them differently.  I knew I would love my children fiercely, but not with such a great range of emotions.  Before I was a parent, I thought the love I'd feel would be like some sort of unbelievable magnetic force that was always on, drawing me to them, pulling me.  That my heart would hurt every time they cried, that I could never get enough of them, and that I would always try to let them know how special they are.  So far, only the last is true.  Let me explain a few examples:

Nobody told me that hearing a baby cry wouldn't always invoke a maternal response.  I was numb at first in regards to Olivia's baby cries, thank you post partum depression.  Thankfully I could usually soothe her after a few hour spell, although I did so in "robot mode."  There was no overwhelming feeling of wanting to soothe her, just a desire for the noise to stop.  With Harris, I was eventually angry along with the PPD numbness.  Harris takes the cake as far as difficulty.  I didn't anticipate the nights of sleeping 30 min-2 hours total, much less that I would get so angry at the non-stop screaming.  The first few weeks you can handle it, but once true exhaustion hits and you feel like it will never end, you go a little crazy.  I had never experienced such exhaustion, and was so angry with myself for getting mad and screaming back for him to be quiet.  For begging him.  For crying when he cried.  What kind of mother does that?  This kind.  Olivia still cries...a lot.  Anyone who has spent time with us knows this.  She is extremely intelligent and equally dramatic and sensitive.  I can only take so much of the whining and crying before I snap and yell at her.  The truth is, we are human and any human can only take so much.  The important thing is to know your own limits.  There were times I put Harris down in his crib because I knew I needed to walk away.  Only a 5 minute break and I could feel refreshed and ready to go another hour(s) round.  Olivia has to go to the office when she loses control.  It's not punishment, she just has to go in there until she's not crying anymore.  Mainly because I can't handle it anymore. 

Nobody told me that love for your child isn't always instant.  You are given this tiny little helpless thing that only takes and gives nothing back for a long time.  Nobody told me that at times I would feel burdened by my baby and think that I'd made a mistake.  Now, again I suffered from severe PPD which greatly skews this initial perspective, but I have to own it nonetheless.  Even in the throws of PPD, I hoped that one day I would wake up and instantly be better, bonded and a natural mother.  That didn't happen.  Nobody told me that my love for Olivia would grow slowly, daily along with her, and that this process continues now.  I don't think I did love her until she was 3 months old, and that's just a point in time I can remember.  The truth is that it was a slow process, not a ta-da moment.  Even now, my bond continues to change with her, and I know I will love her in a more intense way when she's 20 than I do now, because you love your children more each day as your relationship changes with them.  My bond with Harris was established quicker because I recognized the shroud of PPD and knew it would eventually dissipate.

Nobody told me how horrible mom-guilt is.  I find anything and everything to feel guilty about.  I feel guilty because I didn't breastfeed, because I work, because I let them watch TV, because I yell, because I don't take them to every birthday party they are invited to, because I am too sarcastic, because sometimes I check my email instead of playing with them, because they hurt themselves and I could have prevented it........  It's a neverending list, and it's something you can never fully make peace with.   The truth is kids are resilient as long as they feel safe and loved.  I know mine do.

Nobody told me that taking care of my children wouldn't always feel the most glorious thing I've ever been blessed with.  It feels just like taking care of myself.  It's just as natural and normal as showering myself, dressing, eating, going to the bathroom.  I'm not saying it's easy, it's normal.  It doesn't feel like you see on a commercial; amazing and full of earth shattering glee where you hear the angels sing when you look at them.  At night, it feels like I'm taking another bath, feeding and putting little pieces of myself in different rooms to sleep.  It's a motion, a necessity.  The majority of the time I'm not really thinking about it.  Oftentimes I'm frustrated because one of the two are complicating the process and delaying the time when I can be alone.  The truth is that it's a lot of freaking work, and those amazing "commercial" moments make up about 5-10% of your time with them.  It comes in fleeting little snippets when Harris finally falls asleep and cuddles his chubby little lips into my neck, or Olivia asks a question that challenges my soul when we're tucked in her bed.  Just as soon as it happens, it's gone, but I make sure to notice it and prolong it if I can.  The truth is that this 5-10% make every single millisecond of work worth it.  Quality, not quantity.

Nobody told me that having children would change every single relationship in my life.  There is not one untouched.  My perspective is completely different, and it has changed how I view everyone and everything.  My parents, my siblings, my old friends, new friends, church friends, coworkers, God, you name it.  Nobody told me how much having children would challenge my marriage.  I didn't anticipate having to ask permission to go to the grocery store, much less do anything fun for myself.  That sucks.  It's easy to see how having kids can drive people apart, because I truly believe if you don't make up your minds to be a team you will fail.  I used to be judgemental about parenting before I was one.  The truth is, as long as you are doing what is in the best interest of your family, you are doing the right thing.  Nobody does it all right, and any good parent knows that.

Nobody told me I would want to run away sometimes.  I feel a nice dose of mom quilt for saying that, but it's true.  I am always so excited to leave work and go get the kids.  I hug them, tell them I missed them, load them in the car and for some reason everything goes to shit.  There's screaming, crying, questioning...non-stop questioning, dinner to make, lamps getting pulled over, phones ringing, and this is all in the first 30 minutes!  Sometimes I want to go back to work because it was quiet, thought provoking, with adults.  Sometimes I just want to be alone.  I am not a loner.  There are times after the kids go to bed that I sit down and Neil becomes "Chatty Patty."  I basically ignore him because I just can't talk or apply thought to anything other than the TV or computer.  The truth is, everybody needs time to themselves.  The truth is, just as soon as I ever do "run away," I'm ready to come back withing 10 minutes.  I'll show pictures of my glorious children to the Target cashier in a heartbeat.  Most nights when the kids are finally asleep I get on the computer or my phone and review pictures of them.  I'd an addict.  I know I'm tired and I need to detox, but I can't get enough.  Little pieces of me and I feel incomplete even when they're upstairs asleep.  That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it though.

Nobody told me there would be times in discipline that I don't know what to do next.  Olivia, if you  read this before you are 18, I am lying.  I have called my mom before to ask what I do next?  I've been challenged in so many ways and it's exceptionally hard to be consistent because the game keeps changing.  Olivia is so smart, and curious, and she demands to know reasoning and sometimes she just can't understand.  You have to remain in control, and they are looking for that slip even at 5 years old.  The easy thing is to waver and give in.  The truth is the best thing for them is to be the parent first and the friend second.  I know it's very early to think this way, but Neil had to remind Olivia of that tonight when she said she was mad at me.  He simply said, "It's ok to be mad at mommy and daddy because that means we are doing our job to keep you safe."  I know this conversation will only get more and more intense as the years go and we are in the throws of teenage years.  I love my kids, I'd die for them, and because of that I am not their friend first.

I want to make sure and document these thoughts of things so that either my friends who are new to parenthood or eventually my kids will know they are not failing simply because they feel these things.  I am a good mom.   I don't do anything great.  As I've documented, I mess up...a lot.  I lay in bed at night thinking of how I should have/could have done better.  No, I'm a good mom because I know how much I love them.  Nobody else has invested as much of themselves in every single facet of those two lives as me.  Nobody will be able to express to them how loved they are.  Sure I can tell them, but they won't really get it.  They will never return my love the way I have given it.  I can't give it back to my mom either.  That's not why you have kids though.  You don't devote your life to supporting another human in every way you physically, emotionally, and financially can and expect some sort of return on investment or special recognition.  You love them and hope that one day they will use what you've given them to make some else's life better, and maybe lots of people's lives.  Pay it forward.  (I am mentally singing MJ's Heal The World right now.)

I'll probably occasionally add to this list of "nobody told me's", but for now the kids are asleep and I'm going to take a 5 minute break from thinking about them.  Then I'll go get my phone and look at more pictures I took of them today.  I'm addicted and it's the best drug I've ever done...not that I've ever done any mom.