When I first had Olivia, it felt like such a heavy responsibility. I don't know if it was the post partum depression, or just the anxiety and worry of being a new mom, but it seemed like I would never be able to get away and think about myself...ever again. I realize that sounds horribly selfish to most people, but for me it was a very real part of the first 3 months of our lives together. She always needed something, and I couldn't even chill out with a magazine. Wait a minute, that is still the same.
I left Olivia yesterday with her very capable Daddy, as I flew to Phildelphia for a work course. It felt weird to not be lugging a diaper bag, stroller, and baby on my hip. I hopped into the rental car and kept unknowingly glancing in the rear view expecting to see those rosy cheeks and toothy grin. I actually heard a radio station playing music instead of an Elmo DVD. I ate a real dinner and didn't have to share it or cut it into minuscule pieces. I had to turn on the bathroom fan to replace the white noise I'm used to hearing from the monitor. I got up this morning, had coffee and took half the time getting ready without a diaper to change, dog to take out and bags to pack for work and daycare. So, I've made it, I'm free. Away from the responsibility that at one point seemed to smother me.
Guess what? I hate it. I bought celebrity gossip magazines, but I wish I'd brought my Parenting subscription. I went shopping and couldn't stay out of Baby Gap, Gymboree and The Children's Place. I almost turned it to Noggin' last night just to see what she may be watching before bed. I called and talked to her on the phone, only to have her accidentally mute the phone and then hang up on me. It didn't matter, just to hear her exclaim, "uh-oh" right before she did it helped me through the night. I'd give anything right now to have her clinging to my leg crying for me to pick her up, much less cuddling with a passy before bed. Yeah, things change...things like me. She still needs all my attention, but it's different. My heart also grows more in love every day.
Tooke, even when I'm away, every minute is consumed with thoughts of you. I can't wait until Sunday, even if you mush me in the face again or shake your head "no" when I ask for a kiss. I still love you more than anything I could hope for myself. Hey, what are Mommy's for?